I don't really know how to begin this, because as the title says this the first blog I have ever even attempted to write. I've had very little motivation to write before, just occasional twinges here and there, but tonight I need to make a start at getting all the confused, twisted, scarred pieces of the puzzle of my life organized so I can start trying to put them together into a whole that doesn't resemble a badly copied Picasso painting. In effect, this blog is really for me, I doubt anyone else will read it but I don't mind if they do.
My life as a whole has been almost entirely based on avoidance; avoidance of reality. I've avoided reality because I had no idea how to begin to change it, and because my character wasn't strong enough in all the ways it needed to be to confront reality and contend with it. I don't know yet that I have that strength or courage but I do know I have to try. My biggest regret is that it has taken nearly 40 years and discovering through someone else's eyes how big of a fool I have been and have behaved. As humiliating and embarrassing to my ego as that was, I'm glad it happened, because I have hope that there is still hope for me to change, how that change will manifest I don't really now except I know I have to rid myself of the inward habits and topics of thought that led to the objectionable outward behaviors and words. I want my life and my speech and my actions to result in positive outcomes and to create memories on which I can reflect with peace and happiness.
This is my new beginning. I'm tired, disillusioned, ashamed without a definitive direction for my future but I am determined.
Please God, if it be your will let me be successful in remaking my life.
